I Stink, therefore I Am

Even the mentally retarded and criminally insane are well versed in the rationalist traditions of post Renaissance Europe, and the famous declaration of Ronald Daycart; “I Stink, theirfor I am.” Long hoping to prove that he hadn’t died as a child, Ronald Daycart took to “thinking” and “critical reasoning” and smelling all things both fowl and delightful with his monstrous french horn. During his college years he sniffed through the pages of Plado and John Stuart Bill and one night after hours of olfactory stimulation became enlightened when he partook of his own malodorous B.O. he realized that it was a logical contradiction for him to be able to stink so badly and exist at the same time–nothing, as it were, has no smell, so how could he, if he didn’t exist, smell so pungently of rotten fartres?

Is the body filled with a soul, like a bavarian cream donut? or is the body more like the crust of key lime pie? With delicious limy innards? I’ll tell you one thing, I’d like a bite of that pie, that’s a nice pie. But what would Daycart say about our soul pie metaphor? Perhaps he would find it distasteful, I personally love Bavarian cream. What does phood have to do with philosophy? All philosophers from time immemorial have eaten food, even the ever changing Heraclitus once ate a ham sandwich. Saint Augustine was reported to have eaten food on a daily basis. Socrates once drank hemlock and died. We can all agree that food, if cooked properly, tastes very good, and that our souls perhaps are maintained by the consumption of food, afterall food is inside our bodies after we eat it (not prior to consumption), the very same place we keep our souls!

I eat 4-5 bulbs of garlic a day–a proven way to prevent scurvy–but it keeps my skin and breath smelling awful and the ladies at a distance. Yet because of this odor do I exist more than other human beings, is my life worth more simply because I smell bad all the time? I am inclined to think so, but this could be confirmation bias. A civilization that held the value of truth above all others, would endorse massive nose jobs for all people, the more ya smell: the more ya know.

Time what could this have to do with time? Time lasts for a very long time, perhaps even until the end of time, but do smells last forever? Does the remnant of a fartre spread out through the cosmos like an expanding balloon filled with toxic argon gas? All farts smell bad, is a tautology, but what about criminally insane people who enjoy a good huff of their own dark deeds? Do they perceive an alternate reality where good things are bad and bad things are worse? Relativism is ironic, and maybe in some cultures they eat there own farts, but I don’t wanna live with these people, I don’t approve of the practice.

Daycards main contribution to philosophy is his notion of an ontology based on odor. If you can smell it then it is real. But can one smell God? Daycard was a devout Jew desperately did he wait for lord buddha to return to outer space and strip the atmosphere away from our planet, but before we all die, we can ask: did god leave afterwifts in the wind detectable by big bang theory? What does cosmic inflation say about the aftermath of divine flatulence? If reality is fundamentally a smell perhaps it is not a stretch (or stench) to claim that God’s creation was gastric in nature, let us look to the scriptures for evidence: Colonssians 14:2; “In the beginning there was Fava beans and God was also there, he ate the beans with liver and a nice Chianti, and fell into a deep deep slumber for 9 fortnights during which he released the cosmic gas that created us all. The lord hath spoken, fear your lord or else I will getcha!.” This passage proves my theory, given the infallibility of scripture.

But the real question is does my theory stink? The more fowl an idea it is the more likely it is to be true, we learn from statistics, in college. How wrong could I be with such a shitty idea? Not very.


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